A Private Shame: How To Show Up When Your Mom Can’t
It’s that time of year again when the holidays start popping up on the calendar every other week and friends are posting their family pictures on social media of explosive gatherings. You’re left shouldering the private shame that your own mother or even MIL (mother-in-law) won’t be making the surprise appearance you wish she could. And that’s all you can think of some days…
What if you spun your focus around backward and gave yourself permission to combat that shame head on instead of allowing it to be the silent monster-in-law of your life?
The Private: Show up for yourself first
This time of our day THE PRIVATE, is where our super powers begin moms!
How are brain is allowed to operate in private will be the driving force behind how it operates in public and in the present when we decide to show up to things.
Start working on those thoughts girlfriend and pick some better ones. Show your brain who’s boss!
Recognize the shame and it’s triggers. Do you feel it in your shoulders? A stomach ache? Breathing techniques and thought changes work well to alleviate the body symptoms
The Public: Show up for your friends sometimes
“I don’t know what I’d do without my mother! I wouldn’t get anything done if she wasn’t helping me with the kids. The house would never be clean and I certainly would never make it to the grocery store dragging three handsy kids with me!”
Is this mom convo or something similar, your recurring coffee date nightmare with a girlfriend? Maybe it’s happening every month when you sit down in your social circles or flip through your feed.
Enough already, you get it! Everyone’s got a doting mom or MIL but you and you’re so over it. For crying out loud, it’s not a life changing event to take the kids to the grocery store. Am I right?!
One huge fact about shame: it truly is a monster and when left unchecked, kept private, it WILL grow. So, speak that shame girlfriend! Reach out to others, some safe places where you know you can talk about the shame and sadness of your relationship with your mom. This is where your super powers start to grow my friend!
The Present: Show up for your kids always
Sometimes this is the hardest part. Time with your own kids can get lost in translation. Lots of running around, noise, appointments, and To Do’s. Your brain doesn’t have time to slow down and remember those new thoughts you were going to think so that you can show up a better mom than yours did.
That’s ok sweet momma! You are here, you are working on your shame resilience techniques. Just like any new thing in life, it’s hard when you first learn it. But the more you practice it, you get better and faster.
How do I know this? Because RIGHT NOW you are practicing CRITICAL AWARENESS: knowing why something exists, how it’s impacting, and who’s benefiting or not benefiting.
So, go easy on yourself momma. You’re aware of some of the reasons your restricted relationship with your mom exists, how it’s impacted you, and the benefits your kids will reap because of your awareness. You are most definitely on the right track and you are amazing!
A Backward Thought
What if you were to show up differently to those coffee nightmare dates and social circles with girlfriends? Using your new found knowledge on how empathy goes both ways, you could decide to “listen between the lines”.
For example, you once use to sit amongst the ladies feeling sorry for yourself and the lack of a relationship with your own mother but now you notice how a few of your girlfriends are dropping hints of their own private shame. So, you decide to speak your shame, share your story, and be an example to your girlfriends of how to grow shame resilience.
Then, all of a sudden another girlfriend in your circle speaks up and connects with your empathy and wants to hear more because she’s been feeling just like you!
For more on practicing shame resilience check out one of my favorite authors, teachers, and shame researchers Brené Brown. Her teachings are featured in this article from Habits of Wellbeing.
