My Daughter Stole My Kitchenaid: 5 Tips To Be Friends With Your Adult Children
My oldest daughter is a way better cook than I am now. She’s the one that stole my Kitchenaid. When I became an empty nester seven years ago, I hit the road, selling most of my things. It was either she take the Kitchenaid and make good use of it, or I put it in my storage unit. She won.
In the winter months you will now find me ski coaching moms and kids on the snowy mountain slopes of the northwest. They learn to ski and navigate the mountains like they navigate their lives; safety, adventure, challenge. Repeat.
My child students will sometimes say that they know I have my own kids because I look like their moms. Often, my mom clients are in disbelief when I tell them I have three adult daughters now with daughters of their own. I chalk their disbelief up to two reasons:
As mothers they can’t fathom how to become a ski coach
I look too young to have adult children. And I WAS too young when I had them (20yrs old)!
Did you notice how my kid clients say I look like their mom? It’s interesting isn’t it, how different our perceptions can be peer to peer, mom to mom versus child to adult? Your young adult/adult children are no different! They too will accept a mom who is rockin’ her own world, reigniting her adventure, and making her dreams happen!
When I’m out on snow coaching another mom, everything changes when I tell her that I’m a mom myself. She is suddenly more curious as to how I got into this line of work. How did I start dreaming again, recapture my story, AND remain great friends with my adult children?!
It all began when my daughter stole my Kitchenaid.
Tip #1 Boss yourself around not them
You are officially on your way to being the CEO of a new company, “Empty Nester Mrs/Ms. ______ “. The heavy lifting of parenting is fading. The time has come for you to be your own boss. Too hard to wrap your head around the empty calendar?
Let’s start simple; getting ready in the morning. NOW you can REALLY enjoy each morning with coffee, music, your own air guitar action or a little kick ass Teabo with Billy Banks perhaps. Nobody’s watching. Well, maybe the family dog. Why not rock it like a true boss?! Let these awesome kids see what an amazing role model mom they have but didn't realize it cuz they were so wrapped up in kid/teen land.
In other words freak them the hell out like they freaked you out all those years ago. Start filling up your calendar with ideas, dreams, researching all the things you missed doing or wanted to learn. Start bossing your best self around and see what fun things come up.
Tip #2 Don’t give them your credit card then cry to your girlfriends about it
One of my biggest pet peeves with my girlfriends when we were raising college kids together was that some of them would literally hand over a credit card and ship them off. THEN they would complain about it.
Take back this part of your mom story and show your adult child how many different types of jobs are out there that will fit into their college life. Then MAYBE they can have access to the credit card. What this does is:
Instills work ethic in your adult child
Frees up more of your time from stress so you can focus on recapturing your story
Strengthens your relationship with your child by modeling boundaries right out of the gate to college
Gives your adult child less time to party and more time to pass classes
Allows you to spend quality time with girlfriends solving world hunger and all the things
Tip #3 Move away
Moving away or moving all the kids out is good for everyone’s mental health and love cup. It provides many growth opportunities for all involved. Like: You growing confidence and love for yourself and/or your spouse. Your children growing love and respect for you. Plus, it's so much stinkin’ fun being an empty nester my friend. You get your “fun groove” back!
Remember all those moments when you wished for more adult conversations, or desired to go on the smallest of adventures but someone was sick? Then there were all those seasons of paying for everything they needed like socks and underwear, but you just wanted once to be able to buy them a gift instead.?…
With less people in the house, there are less distractions which equals more time for self love. Practicing having your own back, getting to appointments on time, a bubble bath or yoga. Your mommy spirit that's been drug through the murky waters of motherhood guilt and felt hurried through everything will thank you for this much needed self care.
Bonus! You get to use your very own toilet without interruptions UNLESS your kids are like my daughters and just like to call during their scheduled morning poop. Moments like this now become the odd new proof you should cherish. Proof that an awesome transition is happening. Even though you may be miles away, they still see you loving on yourself, and you get adult conversations with THEM now!
New amazing relationships are forming with those developing frontal lobes you once called kids. If you stop long enough to check in with yourself you might notice that you're nervous and excited all over again about having children.
Tip #4 Become best friends with your postman
You’re on the grute called Facebook seeing all those pictures your friends are posting with their adult children. Or hearing from your daughter that her mother-in-law is babysitting your grandchild on a regular basis. Another form of mom guilt hits you and you’re considering moving to be closer to your adult child again. You are normal, this is natural, and you are not alone when you feel like this!
I too continue to wrestle with the feelings of wanting to move closer to my daughters. Every time I have the strongest urge to pack it up and take that adventure, something else is triggered and I’m reminded of one or all of these:
My adult child was just talking about moving
My girlfriend starts complaining how her new purpose is babysitting grandchildren 24/7
Family gatherings are mostly planned when I come into town. (i.e. I’m not missing much.)
My adult children living near each other are busy working & raising kids so they ALSO text & Facetime a lot instead of seeing each other
My visits have started feeling more like HIGH VALUE QUALITY than LOW VALUE QUANTITY
My daughter’s and I have gotten a chance to grow and discover other things that we like instead of the constant influence of our close bond from birth.
I’ve captured my loving words on paper, mailing them and packages to my adult children & grandchildren which in turn makes our interactions much more personable than Facebook
I haven’t met another grandma yet that has a standing weekly “Factime Storytime” with her grandkids but give me a shout out if you do and I’ll tag you in my social media!
Corresponding through mail, showing up to the post office and making friends with the postmen/postwomen has been amazing for creating connection with my adult children! It reminds my brain that I have nothing to feel guilty about. I am recapturing my story, and I am a great mom to my adult children when I am with them and when I am separate from them. This is something that beats the best Facebook post your girlfriend just set as her new profile picture, any day!
Tip #5 Know what to apologize for
I’ve saved the hardest for last.
These children of yours are the best gift you’ve ever received. The gift that really keeps on giving. Where every day is still full of surprises and challenges. I truly believe that life’s biggest challenge for us as parent’s is apologizing to our children. Moms are a different kind of offender of this than dads.
As moms we often apologize for the wrong things. We say, “Sorry” when we should say, “Excuse me”, or “Thank you for being patient with me”. I remember when I went through my 2nd divorce and I couldn’t stop apologizing. The problem was, I was apologizing for all the wrong things and things that were not my fault. I even apologized for not leaving the unhealthy relationship years sooner.
It wasn’t long though before my daughters and I were passing our proverbial talking stick (the same one I taught them to pass when they were 1-5yrs, sitting on the “talking couch” working out their childhood differences). We were us again. Talking openly, working through tough stuff. They could see me. I could see them. The real apologies flowed with our tears.
There are still days where my daughter’s and I remind each other of what we should or shouldn’t apologize for. After all, they each got a little bit of “people pleasing” from their mom!
A Backward Thought
The simplest and best advice I was given by my own life coach was, “How do you want to show up?” We often just show up to things but we don’t put a lot of thought into it before hand. Sometimes we know we’re walking into a difficult, uncomfortable situation with another parent-in-law and we stew on it, stress over what might happen but never really think about how we want to show up.
Next time try this: take just 10-15 minutes, look at yourself in the mirror and discuss out loud exactly how you want to show up. Think forward to the event, the party, the time that’s going to be spent with your adult child. What do you want your mannerisms to say? Your tone of voice? Are you going to leave your RBF (resting bitch face) at home? How and what does that look like in the mirror?
Note these two backward thoughts:
Even with your best performance it won’t be perfect. We sometimes think it will, especially if we’ve rehearsed in advance. Your child might still catch a vibe from you that your were uncomfortable AND THAT’S OK! You are not perfect but you are full of love, working to get it better the next time.
You are not alone! This just recently happened to me at my daughter’s bridal shower. It became an opportunity for me to be my best self in front of my adult children AND remind them that life IS STILL uncomfortable and messy when we’re trying our best. I was proud of me, that’s the first thing that matters!
